Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
