oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
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