My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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