You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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