cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
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