You're my little dorito
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
