I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
