Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Do you still have your period?
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
