god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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