I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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