toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
