Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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