Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
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