From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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