She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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