So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
