i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
