For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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