i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Randomize
