it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
