Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
