My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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