i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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