It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
