Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Randomize
