drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
