remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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