I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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