omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
