6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I smell like Dick and happiness
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
