the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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