i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
