Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
