I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
