piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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