Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
