So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
