Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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