i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Who put my cat in the fridge?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
