What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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