Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
