I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I stole a fireplace last night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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