that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
