I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
