My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
