I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
