Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
