after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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