I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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