My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
