So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
