dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
